Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
