Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize