you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
