I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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