At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
