I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
