The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
