I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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