Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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