Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize