I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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