you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
