I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
