so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
