I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
