One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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