I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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