dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize