just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
