mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
