Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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