we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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