JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
