Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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