rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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