I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
