Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
