Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
