Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
