Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
