You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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