I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
