When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
