There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
