Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
