Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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