Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
