Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize