I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize