our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
