Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
