I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
