well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize