he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
