Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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