I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
