I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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