i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I am spending my child support on dildos
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
