you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
