I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
