All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
