i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
