Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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