i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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