Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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