I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize