oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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