I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
