she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize