I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
