I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
