last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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