my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
