You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
